Currently re-reading TBLBITW...

I'm currently re-reading Andrew Tobias' The Best Little Boy in the World..

If there's one book that really influenced me during that period when I was asking myself a lot of things, it has to be this book.

On my last visit to Manila, I brought back with me some books that I love and one of them is TBLBITW.

The book has been with me for more than a decade. If I'm not mistaken, I found it buried in one of the bargain bins of National Bookstore Robinson's Manila. It was an afternoon. I had time to kill. One of my favorite past time activities is to go book hunting. Voila! I found the book.

Until now, I believe that the book was meant to find me and I was meant to find it. Hehe!

With no new titles to read, I decided why not re-read it again?

The best little boy in the world... is you...

I'm not sure if I ever wrote about my Coming Out. Blame it on the several years of blogging and keeping track of the topics I've already written about. That and the fact that I've changed blogs thrice.

I was reading the blog of some good friends and I saw the post on The Collective Blogging Event on Coming Out by Theorgy.

The post is late but hey, it could still count.

The first time I told someone the truth about me was also the first time I felt being judged for being gay.

It was in college. I was in my senior year. I spent my freshmen til junior year trying to ignore that "difference."

One of the people I considered a mentor told me, "Don't worry about it. It's okay... as long as you don't act on it. It's the cross you have to carry for the rest of your life."

That didn't sit very well with me. I won't touch on religion and Catholicism in this post. That's for another topic. Let's just say that thanks to some literature (The Best Little Boy in the World by Andrew Tobias), I became more comfortable with myself. I became bolder. I knew that I can no longer hide the truth nor run away from it. The past three years were spent struggling with myself, and it was time to put an end to that.

I told a classmate about it. We were pretty close, so I thought that person would understand. I can still remember the very moment I said it. We were on our way home. We were on board a bus that we usually take during that day. And then I said it. That classmate told me it was okay.

Great, I thought.

But in the next few days, I noticed that it wasn't okay. When I talked about some guy I met, the classmate felt uncomfortable and tried to change the subject.

It wasn't until I came out to another group of classmates that I felt truly accepted. I remember telling them the truth on different occasions. To Charmy, when we parked at SM Megamall. To Leah, when we were stuck in the rain one afternoon. To Eden and Kendi, during a road trip in Tagaytay.

At that time I didn't know it yet, but these are the classmates who will turn turned out to be among the closest people I would ever have. We may be thousands of miles apart now, but we manage to keep in touch whether it's via Facebook or email.

This was one of the most significant "coming out" that I did. After I told them, I started to tell friends and people whose friendship I valued. Some of them accepted me. Some of them thought they accepted me, but eventually realized they can't handle having a gay friend.

My family? I didn't see the need to have a grand coming out with them. I still don't see the need. Danton Remoto told me before, "The moms are always the first to know." He's right. My Mom hasn't asked me yet, but a cousin told me my Titas were asking my Mom about me. My Dad and my brothers? I know they know. But again, I don't see the need to sit down with them and have an usapang lalake.

I thought I've been a good son. I did great in school, graduated with honors, landed a good job, and so on. I know it sounds stupid that I have to enumerate the "good" stuff. I sound like I'm justifying my being. I'm not.

Looking back now, this is what I can say about coming out. It's not always easy. It's not always a fairy tale ending. But at the end of the day, you have the choice... to be okay, to be happy and be gay. It's your life after all. Freedom and responsibility.

If you're still in the closet, peeping out of the closet, or completely out of the closet, it's okay. Just know that you can still be and you still are the best little boy in the world to people who love you. And sometimes, that's enough.

30-Day Tumblr Challenge: Day 4 - Your favorite book: The Best Little Boy in the World

I have a lot of favorite books. Most of these would fall under one of these two categories - a.) chick lit or b.) queer fic. Haha!

Though there are several titles in my collection that I can read over and over again, I guess my favorite has to be Andrew Tobias' The Best Little Boy in the World.

I found the book at a time when I was having questions about myself. Things were difficult back then. I knew who I was. Several people were telling me not to be who I really am. I was told, "Being who you are is okay. But you should control it. It's a sacrifice. One that you must carry for a long time." That made things more difficult, obviously.

And then one afternoon, I was browsing through the sale bin of National Book Store Robinson's Manila when I stumbled upon this book. It was hidden in a deep corner of the book bin. For one to have found it, he really has to sit and go through all the titles.

After reading the first few pages, I knew I had to get it. Here was the story of a guy from the other side of the world. His story was somewhat similar to what I was going through back then. But the best part is that he was already past the dilemma I was in, and he came out (pardon the pun) of it triumphantly. Surely, I was to learn something from this guy who had to write under a pseudonym when the book was first published in the 1970s for fear of the same things I feared.

And I did learn. Quite a lot, I have to say.

But if I had to sum it up in a couple of sentences. I learned that I was going to be okay, that I have nothing to worry about, and that no matter what, I could still be the best little boy in the world.

Thank you, Andy Tobias.