Party of one... thanks...

I was itching to go to Malate last Saturday.

The last time I went to Bed was... I can't even remember!!! That's how long I've been out of the scene. Hahaha! As far as Government is concerned, the last time I felt like going there, I read on Facebook that it already closed.

There's a part of me that feels like I'm done with this party phase, but I must admit that once in awhile, I do like to go out on a weekend night, have a really, really good buzz, but still head home at a sane time so I can hit the gym without any terrible hangover the following day. Haha! I still get to go out and party, but I miss being among "my people," so to speak. Haha!

Uhm, I haven't really had any party buddies since the Great Divide a couple of years ago. The couple of times I was invited to go partying, I was in a recluse phase and I think people just got tired of inviting me out. Oh well.

Going back to last Saturday, I was really raring to go out and revisit Bed just to make sure that I'm still "one with the group." Haha! I've been spending way too much time among straight people that I need a heavy dose of "happiness." Haha!

After going through the contact list on my phone and messaging people who I thought would sure be painting the town pink that night, I ended up still staying at home. For some reason, that was the night that people decided to skip Malate because they had something else to do. Roy had a social activity. I-vanchy had a family thing. Carlo wouldn't be up for it. Engel was going home to Cavite. Imo was nagmamatanda. Even Jofer, whom I haven't talked to for the longest time, was also somewhere other than Malate that night. I was tempted to drag Tey, but she had her own party with the bugoys in LP.

For a moment, I was tempted to head out by myself. I've done it on my last trip to Iloilo. I went to my favorite MO2 with a colleague, but I ended up being on my own because she neither felt like dancing nor drinking. And that turned out to be quite a nice gimik night, even though I was on my own. Met some people. And even if one of them turned out to be a complete jackass, I still found some sense of empowerment from being out on my own that night.

But I also know that Manila is not Iloilo. I've never gone to Malate solo, and I have a feeling it wouldn't be as "friendly" as the Iloilo crowd. Call me paranoid but this feeling isn't groundless. I know how vicious the Manila scene can be. Harhar! And I just wasn't sure if I was ready to be out in the jungle by myself.

Don't get me wrong. Doing things on my own isn't something new to me. I'm actually quite independent, especially when my usual buddies are busy. I don't mind seeing a movie by myself. I don't feel conscious eating at a nice restau on my own. I actually enjoy shopping without any companion. And most of the time, I can say "Just one" without having any feeling of self-pity. Hehe!

But the bar/club environment is much different from the mall environment, I suppose. And I have yet to learn how to survive on my own in the former. I mean, what do I do? Just hold a bottle in one hand and dance without any worries. That I can do. Strike a conversation with the guy next to me. That I have to work on. I'm not really a fan of small talk, and when I do engage in small talk, the overanalyzing wheels in my head start to turn and I pray, "Man, I hope he's not thinking that I want to get into his pants."

Perhaps the problem is I still care what the other person might think. I should stop being overly analyzing and just do whatever. If the other person would be feeling ultra pogi because I'm trying to talk to him, so what? I've got nothing to lose anyway. As far as I'm concerned, I'm just being friendly.

Hmm, I should just really learn to let go of things and go ahead, yeah? This is one of the reasons why I can't wait to turn thirty. I just have this notion that thirty gives one an image of authority and independence, while still keeping his right to be young and a bit playful since he just got out of the 20s age bracket.

I'm hitting the big 3-0 this October. That's still a couple of months to go. What if the next the Malate itch comes before that, and there’s no one to drag with me again? Just take three deep breaths, put on my fave shirt, and say, "F*k it, I'm going to party tonight."