Flatlined... Revived... Cardiac Arrest...

"Why God?
Show your hand
Why can't one guy understand?"
-- Chris, Miss Saigon

Recently, I had another Aha! moment. Just like the few other Aha! moments I’ve had, it came when it was least expected. While walking to work on an early weekday morning, I saw something (I can’t remember anymore what it was) when I was about to enter the glass doors of SMART Tower and that’s when I realized it.

Something told me that a person I recently met could be the one that I've been praying for. (Just to clarify "the one" is different from the "the one one has been praying for.")

Yeah, this may sound a bit absurd, but for quite some time now, I've been praying to the heavens to send someone my way. Because I believe that one should be detailed in his prayers, I told the Big Guy exactly what I wanted. Except that I forgot one small detail. Unfortunately, it wasn’t just any small detail that could be done away with. It was the proverbial single grain of rice that tipped the scale. That one detail changed how things were. That detail was one of the reasons that pushed me to do what I recently did.

It sucks big time because really, really, really I thought that the circumstances were great. I loved it when we hung out, whether it's for a movie or a simple quick meet. I loved when we talked and how we talked, because I learn a lot and the silences in between conversations weren’t the ones that felt uncomfortable. I loved it that we belonged to different career worlds, and that the world this person belonged to was something I was very much interested in. I loved it that we could share laughter over the simplest things. I loved that having that person around lessened the feeling of being alone. I loved knowing that that person is there (or used to be there). For that alone, I was already really grateful.

I've been a flatliner for the past couple of years ever since that horrible text message of March 2006. Really. And this is going to make the non-cheesy people throw up but I will write this because it’s true. When this person came along, it felt like getting the shock from an automated external defibrillator that I very much needed to get out of that emotional coma. The heart was beating again. And it felt good. It felt nice.

I should have known that it was too good to be true. Some crazy cosmic force out there just made sure that there was to be a glitch in the situation.

Tey told me it was the right thing to do. It was the fair thing to do. It was the mature thing to do. And for these, I should find some sense in what I did.

But I’m not finding any sense in it at the moment. I’ve never had a cardiac arrest, but if having one is similar to feeling like something inside your chest is being twisted and mangled, then lately I’ve been having some episodes of cardiac arrest. And pretty soon, I fear it’s going to flatline again. Hay.

So my question basically is this, if one is choosing to do the right thing, why the heck does there have to be an amount of hurt involved for choosing to do what is right and what is (or appears to be) fair?

It's just not right. It just isn’t.