I'm not sure if I ever wrote about my Coming Out. Blame it on the several years of blogging and keeping track of the topics I've already written about. That and the fact that I've changed blogs thrice.
I was reading the blog of some good friends and I saw the post on The Collective Blogging Event on Coming Out by Theorgy.
The post is late but hey, it could still count.
The first time I told someone the truth about me was also the first time I felt being judged for being gay.
It was in college. I was in my senior year. I spent my freshmen til junior year trying to ignore that "difference."
One of the people I considered a mentor told me, "Don't worry about it. It's okay... as long as you don't act on it. It's the cross you have to carry for the rest of your life."
That didn't sit very well with me. I won't touch on religion and Catholicism in this post. That's for another topic. Let's just say that thanks to some literature (The Best Little Boy in the World by Andrew Tobias), I became more comfortable with myself. I became bolder. I knew that I can no longer hide the truth nor run away from it. The past three years were spent struggling with myself, and it was time to put an end to that.
I told a classmate about it. We were pretty close, so I thought that person would understand. I can still remember the very moment I said it. We were on our way home. We were on board a bus that we usually take during that day. And then I said it. That classmate told me it was okay.
Great, I thought.
But in the next few days, I noticed that it wasn't okay. When I talked about some guy I met, the classmate felt uncomfortable and tried to change the subject.
It wasn't until I came out to another group of classmates that I felt truly accepted. I remember telling them the truth on different occasions. To Charmy, when we parked at SM Megamall. To Leah, when we were stuck in the rain one afternoon. To Eden and Kendi, during a road trip in Tagaytay.
At that time I didn't know it yet, but these are the classmates who will turn turned out to be among the closest people I would ever have. We may be thousands of miles apart now, but we manage to keep in touch whether it's via Facebook or email.
This was one of the most significant "coming out" that I did. After I told them, I started to tell friends and people whose friendship I valued. Some of them accepted me. Some of them thought they accepted me, but eventually realized they can't handle having a gay friend.
My family? I didn't see the need to have a grand coming out with them. I still don't see the need. Danton Remoto told me before, "The moms are always the first to know." He's right. My Mom hasn't asked me yet, but a cousin told me my Titas were asking my Mom about me. My Dad and my brothers? I know they know. But again, I don't see the need to sit down with them and have an usapang lalake.
I thought I've been a good son. I did great in school, graduated with honors, landed a good job, and so on. I know it sounds stupid that I have to enumerate the "good" stuff. I sound like I'm justifying my being. I'm not.
Looking back now, this is what I can say about coming out. It's not always easy. It's not always a fairy tale ending. But at the end of the day, you have the choice... to be okay, to be happy and be gay. It's your life after all. Freedom and responsibility.
If you're still in the closet, peeping out of the closet, or completely out of the closet, it's okay. Just know that you can still be and you still are the best little boy in the world to people who love you. And sometimes, that's enough.
