Random emo post...

Now that things are starting to settle down, I started to feel one of the feelings I was worried about.

The other day, I messaged a friend who's also living alone in another country that speaks a different language and asked, "How do you deal with loneliness?"

I thought I should ask this friend because the person has been living solo for more than three years now.

My friend replied, "Well, FB, iMessage, Whatsapp have been most helpful." I agreed with this.

Thanks to these apps, I feel like my family, my best friends are one train ride away. I dunno how overseas workers in the 80s survived without all these apps.

My friend added, "Try to keep yourself busy." So far, I've been successful with this because I do hate idleness. Someone once told me that idleness is the workshop of the devil. Hehe! Hence, it's important to be busy all the time.

Faith has also been of great help. My friend agreed.

It's just one of those days, I guess. It's just like the weather in Tokyo these past few days.

On some days, it gets windy and rainy. Today the sun is out shining again. I want my sunshine again.

Prada A/W 2009...

How are you feeling on a Sunday night?

Prada Spring Summer 2009 Ad campaign.

OFW feelings on the Lunar New Year weekend..

Weeks and days before Christmas 2011, several Filipino friends, upon finding out that I wasn't planning to go home for Christmas, told me, "You're going to be lonely here. Christmas and New Year are not really that big of a deal here."

I wasn't worried. I've always taken a "Life is what you make of it" attitude most of the time, and I was determined to make my first Christmas and New Year away from home memorable.

Both holidays turned out to be very memorable. Thanks to friends, thanks to Pg Boy, I was just really happy all throughout December and the first few weeks of January.

I can't say the same for the Lunar New Year long weekend that is about to end.

Uhm, I'm finding it difficult to write this because I think it's a sign of weakness, but I actually felt lonely during the days of the long weekend because of the Lunar New Year celebration.

Most of my usual buddies were away on a holiday. Pg Boy went back home to celebrate with his family.

Technically, I wasn't really alone. Richie was here. Ian was here. The Tampines East gang was here. But for some reason, I still felt lonely, especially today.

My mistake was that I didn't plan enough activities to keep me occupied during this day when the entire island shuts down. So, I ran out of ideas and even if I wanted to do some things, loneliness already took over.

Good thing there's WhatsApp and Skype, I got to talk to Pg Boy and tell him how I was feeling.

I was telling myself, "I wonder how those in countries much more far away from the Philippines are handling situations like this. They're the tough ones."

When I was still in Manila, I've heard many times how life as an overseas worker is difficult and challenging. One is away from home, from family, from friends, from a familiar environment.

Since I arrived here almost 10 months ago, it is only today that I've felt a loneliness of this kind.

The good thing is I know that this is just for today, and that tomorrow I will feel better.

There is nothing wrong I guess with feeling down every now and then. It's a reminder that one is still human and has emotions. What would probably be worrying is if one were, as Pg Boy puts it, "Santa happy" all the time. Hehe!

Working to earn a place...

Some random thoughts.

Do you remember your first day in school? The first recess break and you are at the playground and you don't know anyone. And then there's this one other kid who looks like he or she could be your friend. You muster enough courage and walk up to the other kid and try to make friends with him or her. Days, weeks, months later, the two of you become really close friends.

The same thing for someone who decides to change jobs and finds himself/herself in a new work environment. Everyone knows everyone, and you try to look for someone who could be your good friend. Several lunch hours spent together, team building activities attended together, and work assignments that required the two of you to collab, you've found a really good buddy.

I guess the same is true in several other circumstances.

Bottom line is you have to work to earn your place in someone else's life. You don't become part of someone's life that easily.

For some people, it is quite easy to let a new person in. For others, it takes time. Not necessarily because it's difficult, but maybe because the whole idea is foreign and needs some getting used to.

Uhm, I kind of feel like I'm in that situation. I have yet to earn my place.

I'm not complaining. Just writing what's inside my head.

And I've been doing things to hopefully earn that place.

I guess it just feels new to me again...

Just say yes...

Warning. Slightly emo post. Haha!

On a recent get-together, one of my good friends brought his partner to introduce to us. It's been quite awhile since I last saw this friend so I was really happy to see him. I was even happier because he had a plus one with him. Woohoo! Same time last year, I remember he was having guy problems and we were the same company he had then. It was really good that it was the opposite this year.

The two met at the most awkward situation. One friend thought it was a bit dangerous. Another friend thought it was alright. I thought it was amusing. Nice story. The two have been going out for several weeks now and seeing the way they looked at each other that night,I knew it was the start of something good. The jaded in me thought for five seconds, "Wait til you're two years in that relationship or whatever..." Haha! But the romantic side, as always, won. Congrats, you and you! :)

I will always be a romantic. My heart has been bruised, abused and overused too many times but I'm stubborn and I still keep subjecting myself to the same pain. It's stupid.

I'm reminded of what Grace Coddington said in The September Issue. She said it in a different context, but I think it's applicable to different situations.

"I think I got left behind somewhere because I'm still, you know, a romantic."

At the end of the night, - here comes the emo part... stop reading if you think you're going to throw up - I can't help but look at my own situation and wonder what the heck is wrong with me? I can't help but sometimes wonder why things are harder for me than for others when it comes to that department. And it's funny because I've been doing things to be "better." One friend kept making a huge issue about my weight. There wasn't a time that he didn't make me feel bad about myself. Looking back now, I don't think he really was a friend. Friends don't do that to friends. A small, small reason why I went to the gym was because of that. I'm somewhat thankful because it became a challenge for me, and I think the gym hours paid off. I'm far from having six pack abs, but I've definitely lost inches off my waist. Still, that didn't do anything for the dating department. Haha! (It did a lot for the health department though, and I couldn't be more thankful. I've never felt more healthier.

Another friend suggested I should just keep putting myself out there. I'd like to think I do that. The last two times I did, both ended up with a beating. And it's amusing because the time period between the two situations was too short. One of them was someone I've known for so long. I really thought we were on the same page. Days after I held his hand, I found out that I was reading a different book. Apparently, I was choosing my own adventure and he was choosing his own. Toinks! The one after him I thought was different. It felt different and I really thought that we were headed to something good. I laid down my cards. He did. We looked like we had the same expectations. But when I thought different about this one particular situation, it turned out that he wanted something else. Jack Berger-ed big time. I felt bad because I really thought he was the exception. Obviously, I thought wrong. Two of my best friends were furious with how the situation was handled. I sort of made an excuse for the guy. Stupid, huh? There's probably a "Gaguhin mo ko" post-it stuck somewhere on my head and I'm the only one who can't see it. Haha!

Then another friend suggested that I probably look straight. Uhm, I don't think so. Sure I do get the occasional "Pare" and *cringe* "Tol" from some colleagues from different departments, but I'm quite sure that there is no way I look straight. Haler, my bag is already a dead giveaway. How many straight men walking along Ayala Ave. carry tote bags? Haha! (Btw, that's one of the things I liked about Hong Kong, the men have the most awesome bags!!! I swear! Backpacks were very few. And I didn't see a single clutch bag. *major cringe* Haha!)

Oh well. I really dunno the answer. None at the gym. None at the dance clubs. None with friends of friends.

Sometimes I think it's because I'm probably too comfortable with being on my own. That's why the gods of love/dating think I'm fine on my own. Yeah, sure I'm okay on my own 98% of the time. I can watch a movie on my own. I can eat at a restau on my own. I prefer to shop alone. Gawd, I even went to KL on my own. And I'm going to SG on my own again this December to do a 21K run. (The only downside here is I won't have photos of the event. Huhuhu!)

And as I approach 31 this year, there's really a part of me that's prepping for the solo life. When you hit 30, you can't help but think about how you'll take care of yourself when you're 60. Is there a nice retirement village in Tagaytay or maybe in Iloilo? Haha! Or is it too early to think about that? Hahaha!

It just kinda sucks that sometimes the 2% puts me in a thinking/wishing mode. Harhar!

How comes it's difficult for some people? When really at the end of the day, all you really want is someone who's ready to...

just say yes.

To feel your heart beat through my shirt. That's all I want.

Here's a nicer remix by Bed's Toy Armada.