Monday, May 11, 2015

I'm going to tell you a secret...

I'm going to tell you a secret.

From late January/early February of this year up until yesterday, I was dating someone.

JKT Boy is two years short of turning 30, graduate from one of Singapore's top university, holds a PhD degree (and he's not even 30!), and works for a health sciences-related government agency.

But I guess one of the best things I like about JKT Boy is that he is also a practicing Catholic. Yup, a practicing Catholic. In fact, I think he is even more devout than I am. Hehe!

So, for the past three months, I've been seeing him regularly. We've been attending Sunday Mass together. We talk to each other everyday. We do pretty much what couples usually do...

except we don't have the title of a couple.

Right from the start, I made it clear that I'm not ready for a commitment, that I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship.

Yesterday, that became extremely clear. I told him we should just be friends.

He asked me if it had something to do with him or if it was because of my current situation--the lack of a sense of permanence. I told him it was a mix of both. I told him I need to work on my own situation first before I get myself into a relationship or some kind of serious commitment. To him, he felt that I was pushing people away from being too close. He was adamant about keeping things going, saying that two people can help each other out with each other's issues. But I know myself. And I know I don't want to drag someone into my own issues because I would end up thinking about my issues and I would end up worrying about the other person thinking about my issues.

He had his own issues as well. At first, I was hesitant to tell him about it because it was his own issue and it's better for him to work on it and figure it out on his own. But he was persistent. Basically, I told him that I don't want to get into a relationship or any commitment whereby I will be introduced as the "best friend," the "friend from the Philippines," or worse, where I will be the secret. I don't want to the double life of the person whereby he has a life with his friends, and then he has his life with me. I don't want to not be known by the family. I know that I am now capable and ready to introduce someone to my own family, to friends in Manila, in Singapore or anywhere. I somewhat expect something similar.

Bottomline: I have my own issues that I want to sort out on my own. He has his own issues to sort out as well.

Looking back at our conversation right now and the past three months, I am confident to say that JKT Boy is a keeper. He and I don't have a lot of things in common but the past three months have been working because we meet halfway. And under different circumstances, I would be happy be in a relationship with him. Ours was really just a case of "right emotions at the wrong timing."

Last night, omw home, we were still chatting lightly over WhatsApp. He sent the above message. That made it even more clear that yeah, this guy is a keeper. And who knows? Maybe when I hit 42, things would be better for both of us and if we're bound to meet again, it will happen.

On another note, another lesson learned from all of this is that I really should just take a break from dating or at the very least, not get myself into serious dating. Although I am leaning more towards the former. This is the second time since PG Boy that I almost got myself into a relationship. First there was NB Boy, then there's JKT Boy. In both cases, including PG Boy's, I got out because of the same reasons. Sp yeah, I think I should just stop dating for now.

Anyway, as it is, my plate is already full with work, gym, volunteer work, Japanese lessons, to name a few things. It gets lonely at times, yeah, but I have faith that I have been blessed with enough good friends to keep me happy and sane. Haha!

Last night, I messaged Richie and Mon, "I'm going to tell you a secret." I gave them a gist of the JKT Boy story.

Richie asked, "Why did you keep it from us, friend?" I said, "Hmm, I wanted to spare you guys or any other friends from another 'almost a relationship' story."

I can write about it now because it is over. I will maybe hang on that WhatsApp message above.


  1. I know a friend who has the same pact as you. It just feel sad when two people connect and yet they can't be in a formal relationship. Who knows, you're meant to be together. I just can relate to this entry.

    1. It does feel sad, somehow. But yeah, you're right. Who knows what may happen years from now? :)