Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Random thoughts on the past...

Did he ever really love me?

The thought crossed my mind these past few days. In the almost four years that he and I were together, did he ever truly love me?

I knew that I held a special place in his life. I knew that I was part of his life. I just wonder if he was really in love with me.

Why did these thoughts suddenly appear? To be honest, it was because of this new person I recently met. I know it's not good to compare. I know that it is unfair to the ex. It is hard not to when the new person is the stark contrast.

This new person has only been in my life for a little over month and yet, he has already made me feel wanted the way most people would want to feel wanted.

He is courageous enough to reach out for my hand without so much subtlety when we sit side by side in public transportation. He will stand closer than usual when we're riding up the escalator. Anyone who could see us would know we are definitely not best friends. He would suggest taking the bus instead of the train because the former would mean getting to spend more time together.

He is daring enough to plant a kiss on my cheek when it is just me and him inside the lift.

If I dared to hold his hand while we walked along Orchard Road or some crowded mall, I am quite sure he would welcome it and not care about the world.

This is a surprise because he is not Filipino. And most people from his background are often described as reserved and lacking emotion.

His genuine care and affection has led me to tell him, "You are the exception and not the rule."

All these are but a few reasons as to why the thought of whether the ex really loved me crossed my mind.

He and I still talk. Sometimes, I am tempted to ask him. Then I realise there is no reason to it, so I leave the thought a thought. Add to that the fact that he and I are still friends. We still chat regularly. It will be stupid to ruin the friendship because of something that is done and over with.

Maybe one day, I will get to ask.


  1. love is an abstract concept. lol his definition of it may be different than yours. asking that question is in itself a negative because when asked that, the thoughts you think of are the ones which would highlight the negative. you dont think of positive thoughts well i guess mostly because the relationship is over. well maybe because i can be a cynic so my way of thinking when asked that question would think of the negative. but if you look at the positive things that both of you shared, then maybe you dont even need to ask that question and find out for yourself that he indeed loves/d you. he may have loved you not in the way you wanted to be love. if that in itself caused you unhappiness, then the breakup is justifiable. life is too short-lived to be unhappy! lol ako ba to?!

    1. haha! thanks for the thoughts, friend. i'm definitely not unhappy. that's for sure! i would like to think that he loved me in the way he knew how to love. unfortunately, it wasn't how i wanted to be loved. i will cite examples when we see each other. haha! anyway, it's all over now. ;) onward we go! :D